#53 When did we stop dreaming?
and why we have to continue playing
A few weeks ago, I came across a commercial created by the Barbie brand back in 2018. It discusses the "dream gap" that occurs between girls’ dreams and their full potential.
The video shares that as early as age 5, girls stop believing they can become presidents, scientists, astronauts, big thinkers… the list goes on. Essentially, this gap happens due to the biases enforced in families and societies.
I do not want to talk about gender issues today. I want to focus on the dreaming part.
When I started writing the next few sentences, I was amazed at how obvious they were. The commercial underlines that “girls stop believing.” It's not that these options were taken from them; it’s that they stopped considering them as available.
Our beliefs block us
Thanks, Captain Obvious. It took me a few paragraphs to arrive at the most cliché conclusion possible.
Why did I continue writing, though?
You see, I talk to many people these days who struggle to figure out what they want. This is a very painful state when you are blocked from creating a mental list of options, and the one you have contains zero items.
It doesn’t mean you have no options. It means that some time ago, you started discarding them one after another. There was definitely a moment when you believed that everything was possible. Even those girls from the example above spent five years of their lives thinking the world was their oyster.
And then it starts happening. A comment from a family member, a remark in school, the availability of role models, rejected university applications, struggles to get a job offer, societal pressure. So many external inputs push us toward self-limiting behavior. Yes, some of our limitations are real; not everyone’s body has a perfect turnout to become a professional ballet dancer. The need to provide for a family doesn’t always go well with taking significant risks. Yet, all of these narrow our thinking even more and force us to focus on only what is possible to achieve.
Adults stop playing
This is the biggest problem. All those responsible grown-ups that we suddenly find ourselves to be forgot about their internal kids. Yes, those who think that everything is possible. The moment we pull out the famous SMART framework, we undermine our ability to dream. As a result, we start thinking small about life and ourselves.
Life stagnates when you decide to settle for what is realistic
I like the concept that Alan Watts, a British philosopher, described in his lecture “Coincidence of Opposites.” He suggested using music as an analogy for life. You play the music; you do not rush to the end. The same as in dance, you do not wait for the last step. The process is key. There is no measurable result in playing music or dancing.
I started writing this edition earlier this week, and initially, it did not have an inspirational ending. I was saddened that so many of us have said goodbye to the naïveté and romanticism of childish dreaming. Did we grow up to become this? Boring adults who have no idea what to do with their lives?
Things changed on Sunday afternoon, hours before scheduling this newsletter. I unexpectedly attended a children's birthday party. I was surrounded by a bunch of girls, just like the ones I saw in the commercial. The daughter of my friends hugged me and held my hand. Some girls wore princess dresses; everyone was eating cake and telling stories to each other.
I do not have my own children, but as I looked at these girls, I realized that it is also my responsibility to ensure they do not see grown-ups as boring jelly beans who forgot how to play.
So next weekend, when I see the 5-year-old daughter of my friends again, we will tell each other stories and giggle in her bedroom. I want her to remember that everything is possible.
Until next time,
nat
📚 To read:
The dream gap - a commercial created by Barbie brand 5 years ago, while it talks about girls, I think it applies to anyone.
How to Add More Play to Your Grown-Up Life, Even Now - a NYT article
Overwhelmed: How to Work, Love and Play When No One Has the Time - a book I found on Amazon. I decided to share it because of one review, that I am sharing below.
Before you buy it, note that this is not a usual self-help book. It doesn't offer action lists or easy solutions. It is rather a personal journey of the author who tried to make sense of her own busy life, and on this way managed to talk to a lot of specialists in the field and to simple families. It is a bit USA-centered but not too much to distract a reader from another country.
As a male reader, I have to say that sometimes it was a rather uncomfortable reading. The book is written from female prospective, and even though I thought I knew how hard my full-time working wife had to work to have the family running smoothly, and I thought I am a decent husband, it was painful to learn that I could contribute much more.
Even though the book doesn't offer easy solutions, it does have some good suggestions, both at world-wide and at personal levels. I found it helpful and relieving to learn that I am not alone in my struggle with The Overwhelm. Better understanding of my busy life clearly helped me to find areas of small improvements, and I didn't expect more. I highly recommend to it to anyone who wants to improve their busy lives and has commitment to work on it. I am also very much grateful to Ms Schulte for her sincerity and courage to write it.